A four-part opening, with words you can use on Monday

There's a conversation on your mind that you haven't had yet.

It might be about someone who keeps arriving late. Or a handover that was missed, or a supervisor who has gone quiet when the crew cuts a corner. You've thought about it in the car and in the shower, and probably at about two in the morning. You know roughly what needs to be said.

You just haven't said it.

That isn't a character flaw. In my experience, most people avoid a hard conversation because they don't know how to start it. They worry it will come out too harsh, or so soft that nothing is understood. So they wait for a better moment, and the better moment doesn't arrive.

Why openings go wrong

I've watched hard conversations begin badly in kitchens, on sites, in call centres and in stores. They tend to go wrong in one of two ways.

The over-soft opening. "Look, it's probably nothing, and I don't want to make a big deal of it, but..." By the time the point arrives, the other person isn't sure what the conversation is about, and may not realise it's a serious one.

The over-loaded opening. Six months of frustration arrives in a single breath. "This is the third time, and it's not just this, it's the attitude, and it's the way you spoke to them..." The other person can't respond to everything, so they defend themselves against all of it.

The opening has a smaller job than we give it. It doesn't need to resolve anything. It needs to make the purpose clear and invite the other person in. That takes about twenty seconds.

A four-part opening

• ·       Purpose. Say what the conversation is about.
• ·       Observation. Say what you noticed, in words a camera could have recorded.
• ·       Impact. Say why it matters.
• ·       Invitation. Ask them to tell you what happened.

Then stop talking.

Here's how that sounds with a handover (an illustration, not a real person):

"I want to talk about the handover on Tuesday. The stock count wasn't done when the afternoon crew came in. They started the shift without knowing what was on hand, and two orders went out short. Can you walk me through what happened?"

Four sentences, and no accusation. The other person knows what it's about and what you saw. They also know why it matters, and they have a way to respond.

Three more situations

These are illustrations too. Change the details to suit your business.

Lateness. "I want to talk about start times. You've arrived after nine on three days this week. The crew has been covering the first half hour, and they're starting to notice. What's going on?"

A mate who's now the supervisor. "I want to talk about Thursday. When the gate was left open, we both saw it, and nothing was said. As the supervisor, I need to be able to say something. I'd like to work out how we handle that. What would help?"

A customer complaint. "I want to talk about the call on Tuesday. The customer asked twice for a callback and didn't get one. They've now told us they'll go elsewhere. Tell me how it looked from your side."

In each case, the observation is something you could point to. It isn't "you're careless" or "you've got an attitude". Those are conclusions, and a conclusion sounds like a verdict. A fact can be explained.

Before you say it

Write the four sentences down first. One minute is enough.

It sounds like a small thing, and it makes a surprising difference. When the words are already on the page, you're far less likely to wander into the over-soft or over-loaded version, and you can stay calm when it starts to feel uncomfortable.

Say it roughly as written. Don't read it out like a script. Then listen, because what the other person says next is the real conversation, and you can't script that.

You might find they had no idea it mattered. You might find something outside their control got in the way. You might find your guess was right. In every case you'll be working with what happened, and not with what you imagined.

Saying it out loud first

Reading about this and doing it are different things. The first time you say those four sentences out loud shouldn't be in front of the person you're worried about. Try them with a colleague you trust, or with your own manager. Do it once, badly, somewhere it doesn't matter.

That's the thinking behind the Difficult Conversations course (also available as a bundle) at yzly.au. It's built so a manager can run it with their own team, one short session at a time, with the words written down. You don't need it to try the four parts, though. This week, write them down, say them once, and see whether the conversation gets easier.